open letter
I’m kind of hoping that you are thinking of me they way I am thinking of you right now. I kind of wish that you knew how much I really liked and cared for you, although, maybe it’s easier for you to believe I never cared at all.
The past week with my french friends has been incredible, minus the slight hiccup on saturday night when my friend got drunk on blue label vodka (50% strength) and told me he loved me. Apart from that though, it was pretty much wonderful. There was one thing though, you, you were always on the back of my mind. Something, some sort of sign of you would be there staring at me when I least expected it. For no reason, someone would say something and you would pop into my head.
It’s kind of gay and cheesy to think that there are songs that remind me of you and they remind me for no real reason at all. For instance The Temper Trap’s “Sweet Disposition” reminds me of you because you asked me what the name of the song was as you couldn’t remember and Taken By Trees cover of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” because you liked the advert. Stupid things like that remind me of you. It annoys me a lot because I don’t want to think about you. I wish I was as care free and unbothered as I make myself out to be because I’m not. I hope that maybe you think of me too before you sleep or that something happens in your day that makes me think of you.
I wish I had came round the week before or even last week, the truth was, I wasn’t quite ready for what we were about to embark on. I just wanted us to be friends for a while but I desperately could not resist the urge to think and talk about kissing you and touching you because we both wanted it so much but I wasn’t ready. Why can’t we do the friends thing? I suggested we fucked and that’s it but you said it was horrible. It was a horrible suggestion I do admit but you wanted intimacy with me and I can’t provide that with emotions attached, I can’t do the whole relationship thing yet. I feel as if I have left it too late now as I said that I’d come and see you last week and I didn’t because I was so busy and then the days I didn’t see my friends I was ill so I couldn’t come out and now you probably feel let down, I hope you don’t. I don’t know, half of me wants you to not care about me and for my reactions and gestures not to affect or hurt you but the other half desperately wants you to do just that, to care like I did.
You’re right, I use too many things as an excuse and maybe I didn’t ever want to change. Everything was telling me that we should have left each other alone a long time ago and yet I badly wanted to cling onto you in some way until my negative feelings defeated me and you let go. I sometimes wish that when you called me a prick (or a dick, it was definetly one of them though) that we just left it there and then and never spoke again after it. Instead I spent most of my trip in Australia being in constant contact with you, I divulged a lot of personal stuff about my sisters illness to you, I remember sitting in the park after my sisters first psychiatric session and you told me even though you had to go to work I could call you to talk about it, and I did, I sat in the park and it was freezing but I told you about it, I told you what I dont to make her stop hurting herself. I never do that. I would never tell anyone I hardly knew that kind of stuff and yet, with you, I did.
I wish I wasn’t the way I was because if I wasn’t we’d be together, I know we would. I’d probably be lying with you right now, asleep or something and instead I am here, alone, trying to make sense of why I do the things I do. All I can say is, is that, I never meant to hurt you. I made mistakes and I said things I probably shouldn’t have to raise your hopes, however, I liked you so much, like you couldn’t believe, I haven’t been affected like that by someone like the way I have with you in such a long time. Even now I think how many times I’ve actually been unable to get a guy out of my head, never really.
Thank you for being there through the bad patches of my life like my sisters illness and thank you for being so patient for me even if in the end your patience ran out. Thank you for being so lovely to me when I was a cunt.
Such a pity that I have possibly let go of something so amazing that would have made me so happy and you won’t ever read this to know how I feel about it.
16227.) i am tired of caring about you. you are too much effort for what it is worth.
(via blogsecret)
kind of reminds me of how someone feels/felt about me
which is kind of sad because i don’t want them to feel that way
but they totally do
Daydreaming - Kid Sister
I am absolutely in love with this song so much. I think it’s going to be my song of the summer.
i’m bored lets do thissss.
A - Available: no, well i am single but i am not looking.
B - Best Friend: matthew and ella, james, aaron, rhylie, dale…
D - Dad’s Name: Charlessss.
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: matt
F - Favorite Food: cheese, fo realz.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: bears.
H - Hometown: glasgow
I - Instrument: piano
J - Job: full time student/bum
K - Kids: 0 and don’t want any.
L - Longest Car Ride: 10 hours.
M - Milk Flavor: strawberry or chocolateee
N - Number Of Siblings: 2
O - One Wish: to not be a plamph, but i will never change my ways.
P - Phobias: unusual patterns and clusters, people in masks.
Q - Favorite Quote: anything from “the little prince”
R -Reason To Smile: my friends.
S - Song You Last Heard: jimmy - m.i.a
T - Time You Woke Up: 9:45am
U - Unknown Fact About Me: my friend done a psychological test on me that they use in prisons and it came out that i had sociopathic tendencies, which explains a lot.
V - Vegetable: potatoes.
W - Worst Habits: being a bit gutless at times, not caring.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: ribs, arm, legs
Y - Your Favorite Pastime: sitting with friends, having a laugh.
Z - Zodiac Sign: leo
things that were said that i found.
i have this notebook were i scribble and doodle shit on and some things i wrote really caught my eye. It’s weird because I’ve written them almost self-consiciously due to the fact I’ve been daydreaming and more often than not I am speaking to someone be it on the phone or face to face and I will write things as I speak to them. Generally they are just musings other times they are lyrics or things that I’m feeling at the time.
I won’t mention who any of phrases are in reference to;
“I couldn’t fight these tears; even if I wanted to, you can’t imagine how much I love you - Eobane is such a good track!”
“You’re weird and sometimes it puts me off”
“Fucking beards man”
“Why is it whenever I speak to him I can’t stop smiling; I hate it”
“I have missed talking to him so much. He makes me smile so much. I think I made a huge mistake when I said we should never see each other again because I all I wanted in that time was to be with him. Now that I have spoken to him, I really want to be with him and I cannot stop thinking about him. I absolutely hate him for making me feel this way”.
“Boy, you are my temporary high”.
“The only hetro guy in a gay bar, porn star parties, turning 20, brooklyn bridge, thank you new york!”
“So long, bye my friend, so long, so long, will it ever happen again?”
“I’ve been waiting for you, I’ve been creating for you, so long, you know the light ain’t fading from you, so long, nothing could save me from you, so long”.
“P.P.S I was never good enough for you”.
“My guilty pleasure, I ain’t going nowhere”
“I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking I should never of let you open my door”.
“One night at Rosies”
“I want to speng my life with you; so we made love in the grass”
“I want to die”
“Stop thinking sexy sex thoughts about me please, fanks bro!”
“I guess you see that I had another daydream”
“I was caught in a place far away from the light”
“I can’t go any further than this”
“I wish you thought I was the reason you were in this world”
“What the fuck have I done wrong? He has totally confused me!”
“Leave me alone Leave me alone Leave me alone”
“I don’t like you anymore”.
“Blahblahblah Kayla is the most winning champion of them all yassss!” (was perhaps in a self respecting mood that day ha)
“God, you don’t know how much I like you”
“I think it hurts you more than it hurts me. I can live without you”
“I don’t really care about anyone anymore, I don’t know what’s wrong and what’s real”.
“When do you think this will all become clear?”
“Who’s crying now?”
“Step up here to me”
“I loved you because of all that I was, always there to break all of your falls”
“It’s strange and it’s been an odd week but I’m glad”
“Like I’m daydreaming again”
“I can’t get enough of you baby, I need you, I really need you”
Paper Romance - Groove Armada.
“You can write me a love letter, but there’s nothing to say
I don’t wanna take a chance on your paper romance anyway”
“I don’t know if i’ll ever send this or if you will ever see this. It may just sit in my my drafts folder forever more and I know you told me never to speak to you again but well I don’t know what to do. I think I just need to keep typing until I make sense of everything, in my head.
I can’t stop thinking of you. Since everything that has happened my mind is in over drive. Every time I try to think of something else my thoughts end up going straight back to you. I think I have made such a big mistake and I don’t think I can rectify it. I feel so low, I didn’t realise, in all serious, how much of an impact you’d have on me. I have to physically stop myself from phoning you or texting you something stupid or to come to your house and say “this is what you want, this is what i want, so let’s just do it” because I know you are probably completely over this by now. I’m not, I feel horrible. I have made such an utter mess of everything and then I ran leaving such a path of destruction behind me. I don’t know what to do though because you can’t seem to stand me now, you think I’m heartless.
If I was so heartless, would I be thinking of you all the time? Would I be this miserable having nothing to do with you? I miss you so much and I want you so much and I don’t know what to do. I really like you, possibly more than anyone I’ve ever liked before. There’s nothing I can do now. I’ve ruined all of this. I should have just turned up when you asked me to. Why do I always feel the need to be defiant and call peoples bluff? Why do I always have to test people to the point where they can’t know me anymore? Now the one thing I actually wanted I’ve thrown away because I was so much of a coward. I was too afraid of what could have happened when I know it would have been fine. It would have been so good and I threw it away.
I’m finding it really hard to let go of you right now. I hope I am able too soon. I hope this feeling goes away soon because I feel so awful. It feels worse than you seem to think I get some sort of thrill out of hurting you too, don’t you realise I’m hurting myself too? I hate what I have become. I wish I never knew you, I wish we just got on like friends, where we could have just met when we were both out on a night out or something, or just have a laugh with each other and instead now, all i want to do is kiss you and touch you and lay with you and talk rubbish with you until we fell asleep.
I really do not know what to do. “
stolen but well tumblr is now myspaz, apparently.
when tumblr turns into myspace…
Because I’m bored, can’t find anything good on tv, and I’ve already lost a couple of followers this week anyway.
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
- 20
- female.
- psychology student.
- hails from giffnock, east renfrewshire.
- enjoys cheese a bit too much.
- enjoys tropical fruit juice from a baby hello kitty tumbler.
- i live next door to my best friend.
- and across the road from a maaaaaaaassive park.
- i went to australia this year
- i like tea, a lot.
NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY
- him.
- my mistakes.
- summer.
- how soon my trip to vietnam is
- how i am developing a crush on matthew morrison
- more him.
- the fact my house feels so empty now my sister has moved out.
- how cold my hands are
- stuff nobody would understand, stuff i can’t even get my head around.
EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART
- make me laugh.
- don’t try and change who i am.
- make me smile
- have good eyebrows
- can handle my bouts of being very awkward and complicated about issues
- don’t be clingy and possessive.
- good taste in music
- none of these apply because you’ll still never get me anyway.
SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
- usually watch a film/tv
- phone a pal
- sit downstairs and have a round up of the days events with my dad while he smokes
- take my meds
- check i have everything ready for the next day
- brush my teeeef.
FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
- it’s annoying me how much i miss you!
- i actually love you so much, i don’t know where i’d be without you.
- it feels weird that you’re not here anymore
- i hope we get closer, because i’m pretty sure you’re going to make an immense best pal.
- thank you for being there, i love you.
FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
- onlineeee doing this.
- yawning.
- thinking about stupid stuff.
- listening to some tv show theme.
THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF
- that i will never be able to get over a lot of stuff.
- people who wear masks.
- losing my friends/family.
TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
- make a change in someones life for the better
- visit another 30 countries or so
ONE CONFESSION
- i make silly mistakes.
